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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27997305">Booze and Cigarettes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobinWritesChirps/pseuds/RobinWritesChirps'>RobinWritesChirps</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hatchetfield Universe - Team StarKid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Background Barneston, Bonding, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Bonding, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Past Abuse, Physical Abuse, Secrets, Smoking</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:55:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,918</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27997305</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobinWritesChirps/pseuds/RobinWritesChirps</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>On the worst day of the year, Becky catches Lex smoking and drinking on her own in the backyard. Too weary to be scolding her, she decides to join and reveals more about her past than she had bargained. </p><p>Becky and Lex bonding over what it feels to live in a good home after being in a bad one for so long.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Becky Barnes &amp; Lex Foster</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Booze and Cigarettes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>There is no abuse taking place within this fic, but there are mentions of it (not just implications) and it is the theme of the story.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Her memories clung to her like a second skin, snug and cold and uncomfortable, and there wasn't a moment of that day that was not tainted by the past. Becky pretended well, though, as she had all those years. Work was lighter the week between Christmas and the new year anyways. Many young residents of St Damian's whose health allowed it were permitted to spend the holidays at home and the ones who stayed were in a better mood than usual, all jolly cheer and good spirits. She went from one room to the next with a big smile and a surprise gift for all, and at the end of the day she was certain that there was not one soul in the pediatrics wing who had seen through her at all. They never did. If she had kept up the façade while her husband had still lived, then how much more now that he was gone?</p><p>"Tommy?" She called out as she found the house seemingly deserted when she stepped in after her shift. "Tom, are you home?"</p><p>At closer inspection, he was still nowhere to be found. She doubted that he would be at Emma’s again, not after spending all of yesterday with her − Christmas was their day of mourning and neither of them could keep from one another on that day, but not much more than just the day. He likely was not at his parents either, where they had just spent Christmas Eve being doted on. In the kitchen, she finally found a sign of life, a post-it note on the fridge.</p><p>
  <em>Buying food for NYE, be back in a bit. Took the kids.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Love,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tom</em>
</p><p>The domesticity of the gesture was so tangible, so simple. Sharing Tom's home had been the easiest thing in the world after fifteen years of pining for those days she had loved him, and yet every day she spent at his side, she still obstinately refused to take for granted that she had found him again. It was especially difficult to fathom on such a week, Tom grieving the spouse he had lost so much more deeply on the anniversary of her passing, Becky trapped in the memories of getting rid of hers. It had been two years to the day today and this seemed to her an eternity, yet the blink of an eye since her life had turned completely. She felt unworthy of it. Today, she had just as little to celebrate as Tom. He had promised her a great holiday season and had delivered on it, but there were some pains that no amount of cookies, garlands and candles could mend. He tried, though. Tom always tried his best.</p><p>Her nose wrinkled in the sudden recognition of an old familiar scent she loathed and she opened the back door to the yard. Lex looked just a little too tipsy to be ashamed of having been caught and she gave Becky a loopy grin, holding up the bottle of liquor in her hand as if to offer her a taste. A blunt between her fingers, a pack of cigarettes on her lap.</p><p>"Shit, you won't tell Tom, right? Merry Christmas."</p><p>She was sprawled leisurely on the old battered couch of the back porch and had started a celebration all of her own, though Becky was not certain what it was that had prompted it all. A belated Christmas, perhaps, although the Fosters had been invited and welcome at the Houstons on the 24th, and here at home with Emma and Paul on Christmas Day. A moment all on her own without the two younger ones, a nasty smoky breath of freedom. Her eyes were veiled with it and Becky wondered just how long it was that Tom had been gone.</p><p>"Well, aren’t you having fun," she said dryly.</p><p>Lex chuckled, which turned into a cough as she tried to take a drag from her blunt at the same time. She looked at Becky with an odd air of defiance, begging to be scolded or punished. Perhaps, Becky thought, that she had punished enough wrongdoing for a lifetime herself. She was in no mood to be the righteous wielder of right and wrong this afternoon.</p><p>"I know I’m not supposed to," Lex said and left the sentence hanging there, a half baked apology never actually uttered, no attempt at excuses.</p><p>Months ago, barely a few weeks after Becky had moved in, Tom had asked for her and Tim’s permission to shelter Lex and Hannah. A few nights at first, but the camaraderie between Tim and Hannah as well as that between Tom and Lex had given the short stay an unplanned prolongation. They lingered here on and on as the fact became more clear that, if they had a home at all, it was rather with them than back in the trailer park with Pamela Foster.</p><p>"Are you gonna tell Tom? He’ll be pissed, he says no drinking or smoking at home."</p><p>She was pushing the line. It was true that Tom’s rules had forbidden it, even for himself, but Lex could not know that this had been on Becky’s behalf more than anything. Of course, he never would have approved of underage drinking and hell would freeze over before he condoned using any sort of drugs, but he might have been more lenient of it weren’t for her. She missed him suddenly, today more than ever. When was he coming home? He alone would be capable of handling this.</p><p>"Maybe he’ll throw us out and…"</p><p>Becky look at Lex, the poor thing. It wasn’t always easy to see through her when she made every effort in the world to conceal her true self, but Becky was getting to know her a little better every day. It was a painful situation she was in, no matter how often Tom and Becky professed that she was as welcome here as any of them. It had already been a complicated one before the girls had even arrived and their presence, if very much wanted and appreciated, had not made anything more simple. It had only made the house happier, more youthful, but Becky could see plain on Lex’s face that even changes for the better could be overwhelming. A more familiar life, no matter how much worse off, was easier to fall back into − or to try with every mean to get thrown back to. Becky knew that better than Lex could ever suspect. Thousands of times, she had chosen to come home.</p><p>"We’re never throwing you out," she said with finality and sank on the couch next to Lex to pry the joint from her fingers.</p><p>Lex sighed at first, expecting Becky to toss it away, but she nearly gasped when instead she put it at her lips to take a drag from it. Dark smoke swelled up inside Becky’s chest like a million memories. Stanley would always smoke after hitting her, like some men smoke after lovemaking. He’d been a smoker a long time before that and Becky, freshly enrolled in nursing school, had smoked too when he had first offered. Later, she had come to her senses and the thick smell of cigarettes and pot had become poison to her, yet on such a night as this, who was she to tell what was right and wrong? She closed her eyes and if she let herself, she could feel the dread of that night just as sharply as she had then, the terrifying contrast between the furious beast who punished her and in the next breath the calm way he would glare at her then with cold hatred, cigarette in the corner of his mouth, pretending she was making it all up. The marks on her body had been the painful reminders that she was not turning completely crazy − or was she?</p><p>"Fuck, you’re really going through with it," Lex blurted out.</p><p>Becky’s eyes snapped open. Her mouth was pasty, uncomfortable. She smoked some more, slowly blew it out. Tentatively, Lex passed her the bottle. Becky had not drunk in years − terrible things always happened when she drank. Even worse things happened when others drank. She took a swig and the taste was even more bitter than she remembered.</p><p>"I’m corrupting you, aren’t I?"</p><p>Becky scoffed. She passed the blunt back to Lex, who eagerly took a long, deep drag of it. How often had she snuck a smoke hidden out here? Becky liked to think that she would have noticed.</p><p>"I’m the easy one," she told Lex. "Come and brag when you do Tom, I think he never drank before his wife made him."</p><p>So many years they had missed out on each other. Becky kept well hidden the envy she felt for the wife who had opened up Tom's world to so much more than their little high school sweethearts fling ever had. Jane had been confident, a strong rock Tom had relied on − Becky could scarcely imagine Tom in such position, he who inspired an awe in her like none other. Jane had made a home with him, given him a son, a life. Becky was picking up what was left, yet how delicious, how perfectly fine.</p><p>"I think she made him do a lot of things I let him skip on."</p><p>Even in her state of daze, Lex was staring at her with something like wistfulness and Becky felt ashamed of herself. Of indulging in the girl's bad weaknesses only because of her own, of not being the strong one. Strength always came at a cost and she was not always willing to pay it. Still, she should not be doing this.</p><p>"You're just leaving him be," Lex said cautiously. "He's stubborn as fuck, I think his wife must have been a bitch and a half to get through to him. Sorry to insult the dead, but he's not here to listen."</p><p>Becky drank some more booze. What was it, vodka? Something clear that went straight to her head. She disliked the taste.</p><p>"I never said <em>I</em> liked hearing it either."</p><p>Lex snorted.</p><p>"Right, yeah, nobody likes to hear about exes, even like this."</p><p>That wasn't it. It was true, but she thought no ill thoughts towards Tom's late wife and her misplaced envy was only her own to deal with. It wasn't for Lex and particularly not for Tom to know.</p><p>"And it's not like he wants to either," Lex went on. "He never talks about your ex."</p><p>Becky's blood turned icy cold, as cold as the snowy ground where Stanley had fallen and bled out, demanding her to turn around and help him up. Her head had already been too full with the memory of it all day long, all two years since that night, but for him to be mentioned at all... That was true, though. Tom never talked about Stanley. He <em>knew</em>, and therefore he left the past well in the past where it ought to rest. Becky did not know why she drudged it up herself, but she knew she was not always as in control of her own being as she wished.</p><p>"What was he like, anyways? You were with him for what, like fifteen years? I don't know a thing about him."</p><p>She did not know how to answer that − or rather, she knew the truth but would have rather saved Lex from learning it. Even half drunk, even a little high, Lex had an ounce of smarts left in her and she touched Becky's arm gently.</p><p>"God, he was a dick, I bet. I'm sorry I asked anything, you don't have to tell me."</p><p>She was trapped, caught between her past pressing her and pushing her forward as far away from the deed as she could and a girl who despite her courtesies wished to be let in on it. When she spoke, her voice was deep and strange.</p><p>"I can't drink without thinking about him," she whispered. She sat up straight, blinked. Her eyes were fixed on nothing at all, just the snow covered ground of the backyard. She felt so cold. "I can't smoke without thinking about him."</p><p>She took the joint from Lex's warm fingers and filled her lungs with its sickness. She knew Lex was staring, not understanding. She blew out some smoke in a small gray cloud in front of her. He had not been smoking that night, but the smell had been ever on his breath after decades of the bad habit. Beer, too, a stench that had clung through her clothes, her skin even after they had wrestled their final match in the forest and she had gone home and changed. Sometimes, she wondered if she would ever be rid of it.</p><p>"Becky..."</p><p>"He made sure of it."</p><p>Taken by folly, she shrugged off her coat. She was wearing just her scrubs underneath and she already knew she would be taking a long boiling shower later and change into something soft, something of Tom's. She pushed her sleeve all the way up and Lex's eyes landed with horror on the marks Stanley had left there on her upper shoulder. Always, Becky had done her best to patch herself up and after some days, the bruises or wounds would fade away but the cigarette burns were tougher to get rid of. They were more faint than they had been and even now years after the fact, they kept healing little by little, but they were unmistakable.</p><p>"Oh shit. I'm so sorry, I didn't... Ugh, fuck."</p><p>Becky pulled down her sleeve again, hiding away the marks of the past. The joint dropped to the floor and neither of them made a gesture to pick it up. She didn't dare to look at Lex, how the reveal might have changed what the girl felt for her one way or another. She had never thought she would tell anyone about this, anyone other than Tom, but she did like and trust Lex more than she had ever imagined she would. Her rashness was more endearing than it was grating and only a little under the surface hid a heart of gold, if only for a few select lucky ones.</p><p>"Hey, c'mere, okay."</p><p>Lex pulled Becky into a tight hug. It was a rare occasion where she would willingly hug anyone who wasn't Hannah or a girlfriend and Becky knew to enjoy it − all the more so when she so desperately needed it. She felt so awkward, but the hug was so sincerely meant on both sides she simply could not help enjoying it.</p><p>"You’re with us now," Lex said in her ear. "You’re with Tom. He’ll deck him like a punching ball if the dude ever shows his face."</p><p>Becky held her tight as Lex rubbed her back. She wanted to cry.</p><p>"Yeah," she said, thinking of Stanley’s writhing body in the cold clutching his mortal wound. "He would."</p><p>For years, she had fought not to have a family, to never bear a child who would live with her monster of a husband. She had all that and more now, a loving partner, three children she adored, a life made of love and compassion. Good had triumphed over the pains of the past, but evil always left a mark in its trails and she was weary.</p><p>"Hey, Beck? You out there?"</p><p>Lex and Becky startled. Parting, they looked at each other, partners in crime now panicking. Quick as a whip, the girl shoved the bottle and cigarettes under the couch, batted her arms to make the smoke go away.</p><p>"I'm back, Tim made me buy chips for all of next year so we were thinking movie night?"</p><p>His voice and his words were cleansing to her heart and Becky gestured to Lex to keep her mouth zipped about it all.</p><p>"There’s mom’s leftovers, I think there’s enough for five," he went on, "But if you want takeouts we can do that too."</p><p>"Leftovers is great," she said, walking back inside to leave Lex to sober up on her own. "Hey."</p><p>She was certain that she would betray herself, the smoke or the taste at her lips, but Tom gave her a grin and a quick kiss and said nothing at all about either. He was in a delightfully good mood as Tim explained to her all the provisions they had bought for the upcoming week and the last day of the year. Hannah waved at her and went outside to find Lex − and perhaps to shirk the duties of putting everything away. At night, they watched some Christmas movie they all agreed on and she cuddled against Tom’s chest to calm herself down. He scratched her back softly, leisurely, as if the peace that reigned between them could never be disturbed now that they had found it. Perhaps that was right. Lex fell asleep against his shoulder before the movie was even over.</p><p>The next morning, she acted as if nothing had changed at all, but there was a new kindness in everything she did for Becky, something soft, as if she thought her something fragile she had to protect. Becky knew this wasn’t true, but she took the attentions as they came, from her just like she did from Tom. She was a good kid, that was sure, though Becky had been convinced of that already. An excellent one.</p><p>Becky never once caught her drinking or smoking at home again.</p>
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